she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
