dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
