It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Randomize
