White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
