you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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