I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
