Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
