he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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