If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
