i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I need to calm my uterus...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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