you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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