1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
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