I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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