yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
