I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
