I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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