ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Randomize
