Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
