He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
