Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
