So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
