I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
