the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
