Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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