just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize