i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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