um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize