If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
