the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
