Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You are a genius and a whore.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
