i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
