This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
