Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize