i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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