I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize