Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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