paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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