my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
