Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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