I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
