I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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