Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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