My hair reeks of homosexuality.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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