I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
