Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize