Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
its liver damage thursday
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
