update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
