Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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