if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
