I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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