kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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