I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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