the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
