Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize