i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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