shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
