just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
