Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
