nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
