Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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