Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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