Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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