I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
